Whoaaaaa. I found my school bag. After ages. Yes, I found it. I was worried I wouldn't ever find it. Heehee. Yeahyeah, ang you want to see my house? *waggles eyebrows* Haha. It's freakishly tiny. Littered with lots and lots and lots of cardboard boxes. I think after unpacking, the surface area of the house that can be walked on will add up to you balcony? That...top floor jut-out balcony? This house is tiny :x But ang, you'll love the house. Opposite the house is like....this condo with a swimming pool and I actually saw lots and lots of guys. Haha. Ak will love this too. American guys swimming and doing stunts. Like...somersaults and handstands and all sorts of stunts(btw, I saw them compete. DAMN FAST). And I think their swimming trunks were American flags and Australian flags. Damn funny. And if Belle wants to know, they look better than Ale_ _ _ _ _ _ Jon_ _ _ and they have ABS. (I feel like a perv now.) But it's a bit noisy. Cos the road's right outside, followed by the swimming pool in the condo opposite. So yes, I'm chionging homework now. (life sucks) And I think I'm going to leave some to do in school HEEHEE.

P.S I got a new bag! It's black and orange. Inspired by the Shooting jacket. It really looks like it came in a set with the jacket awman. So I decided it was cute and got it. 8D



Hallohallo! Calling to all classmates yoohoo! I just unpacked my uniform. It's officially Sunday since it's actually 12:10 am. Haha. Okay, forget the previous post. It was blogged in a fit of anger fueled by a terribly foul mood. I just unpacked my uniform and it's all so bloody crinkly. Haha! Watch maggy in her crinkly, oversized uniform on Monday and Tuesday!

I'm in quite a good mood and I'm feeling the Sleep Demon that's out to get me. I actually slept quite long, if you add up all the minutes I've slept in between tired and sore limbs, mental headaches, physical headaches and just plain laziness, yes, I think I've slept more than twelve hours or something. I woke up early. That's a big surprise, no kidding. Well, I'm feeling energised, really. But my eyelids are sorts feeling puffy and a little stinging. I suppose I'll be sleeping soon...?

P.S Ang, was your move-house this freaking tough? And manifested with cockroaches? I've got a lot of crime scene in the house, marked by chalk(a special one for pests) so that if the floor is gonna be cleaned later, the spots can be scrubbed more thoroughly. The cockroaches sorta died and most were squashed dead with disgusting fluids that's yellowish, brownish, gooish...you get the point. XD



Oh fuggggg. It's 6:03 pm right now. I'm almost dead. In the physical sense. I'm in the new house with a truckload of cardboard boxes rammed full of stuffs. This moving house company positively SUCKS. They've been dilly-dallying for HOURS. Seriously. I started this whole moving house thing at what? 9 am? Then they move FIVE CARDBOARD BOXES AT A TIME. OHFUG. Five?! Then each time they take the lift down, they HAVE TEA and CHAT and LAUGH down there then come back up. Then after five hours. Yes, five, they were FINALLY ready to move to the new house! SURPRISE! Guess what? They fugging came up with five boxes at a time then when back down to have coffee at the coffee shop then go pee and go get more tea and chat and laugh for HALF AN HOUR then they come back up to put five more boxes. And don't forget, we have some things called BED, FRIDGE, WASHING MACHINE, not to mention the mighty TABLES! Wheee! Omfg. How smart are they? Then they've only finished nowwww. They just dumped everything in the living room, like fifty plus boxes or something in the living room. What the hell luh! I had to lug all the boxes to the spare room and all. Stupid people. STUPID PEOPLE.

Haven't had dinner, killed 26 cockroaches AND disposed of them, still sticky and all, in front of the comp. and FUCKING ANNOYED.

To top it all off(as if it isn't enough alr,), I have a sister peeping over my shoulder trying to see what's in my computer. DIE SUCKERS!



Ok. I had a convo with someone and it was actually about that lady who came to talk about her book. It started with me telling name removed to go to the website and read Dancing in the Rain from the sample chapters.


maggy (: says:
so rubbish

Name removed says:
exactly. so rubbish.

maggy (: says:
she said she created an option

Name removed says:
she thinks that life sucks because it's our option. it can be external factors.

maggy (: says:
I bet she just bluffed herself that she really created an option
she didn't even tell us what option that was. That great option that changed her whole mindset
WHOAAA

Name removed says:
exactly.
so stupid.
"an option of my own creation"

maggy (: says:
FAKE

Name removed says:
she created an option for herself.

maggy (: says:
What can I do when life sucks?

a) Smile.
b) Suck it up.
c) Forget it.
d) (SELF-CREATED OPTION YEAH)

Name removed says:
d) create an option!
lol same!

maggy (: says:
What is the sun?

a) A ball of heat.
b) A ball of light.
c) A rubber ball.
d) A bouncy ball.
e) IT'S A WATERMELON!
not getting the marks= not solving the problem= lying to herself the option solved it all

Name removed says:
LOL.

maggy (: says:
she so suck

Name removed says:
exactly.

maggy (: says:
its good that she's optimistic and all but

Name removed says:
she says all the inspirational things that maybe even herself doesn't believe in.

maggy (: says:
doesn't change the fact that what she SAYS is fake
exactly.

Name removed says:
so bad.
but i still like her.
even if she doesn't believe it, she still hung on.

-end of convo.-

Okay. And the woman said all that about not being afraid to make the 101st attempt after 100 attempts and failures. But you know, it's not about whether we're afraid or not. She goes on and on about courage, but I want to say, that it's not about courage, it's about trying and failing a 100 times then getting so tired of the same thing happening over and over again, that's why people stop trying. Apparently she hasn't thought of that so I suppose she addresses problems and makes assumptions and try to be inspirational but FAILS because it's not approaching the problem at all.

She's got the wrong problem.

it's time to run.
it's time to let go.
it's time to leave everything else behind.
it's time to move on to somewhere you wished would be better.
it's time to throw it all away.

because you're just too tired to keep hang in there.
because you're just too tired of waiting for something that didn't exist.
because you're just too tired of hoping that everything would be okay soon.
because you're just too tired of thinking that this is the worst everything can get.
because you're just too tired of facing failures over failures with nothing getting better.

after years of thinking for others,
do you have the right to be selfish for once?
do you have the right to hurt them for the rest of their lives?
do you have the right to abandon everything you have here and leave this place?
do you have the right to let go of it all and save yourself from everything here?
do you have the right to do something you really want to?

no you don't.
you don't have the right.
you don't have the right to choose what you want.
because you've made the wrong choice that brought you here.
you don't have the right to abandon everything here.
because you've brought them upon yourself.
you don't have the right to hurt them for the rest of their lives.
because they hadn't done anything wrong.

;there's nothing you can do about that.
it's life.
move on.

Okay, this is ak's latest post. I have some things to say. Some un-chim things. First, ak, I thought you were going to do a happy post that says "let go and break away from all you know, be free." But no, you had to totally anti-climax it and say the stupid "no you don't." I can tell you, that was when my hopes got trampled over and died.

Now for the more chim counters:
Yes, you do have the right to be selfish for once, it's a matter of conscience, not right.

No, you do not have the right to hurt them for the rest of their lives. You may have helped them all their life, or maybe all your life, but that's your choice. Even if you were forced into it, the point is, they weren't the ones to chain you to that tale you were trapped in. They weren't the ones that forced you into submission, into leaving all you had behind for them. So no, being selfish is one thing, but hurting them, let alone for the rest of their lives? Who the f*** do you think you are?!

No, you don't have the right to abandon everything you have here and leave this place. It's fine to be selfish for once, but it's not fine to run away from everything. it's a matter of obligation. Everything you do has consequences. While you can be selfish for once and damn it all to hell, no, you can't just change somebody else's life forever. If someone's in a coma and not about to wake up anytime soon, then what? You decide being a life support is hard and tedious, so you just unplug it all? No, you're right for this. You don't have that right. Not for this.

"do you have the right to let go of it all and save yourself from everything here?" This depends. If what you mean by "letting go" and "saving yourself from everything here" is to abandon everything you have here and leave this place, I can tell you, no. But if it's something simpler, you simply want to let go and stop giving so much, and in doing so save yourself, I don't see why not. It's still a matter of conscience. Do it or not is your choice, but if it guilts you, don't let it eat you alive.

Yes, you do have the right to do something you really want to. But like all other things, if it's at the expense of the people you're escaping from, the people who rely on you, the people who are waiting for the day the you they know come back, no, you don't have that privilege, I'm sorry.

It's not all about making the right or wrong choices. Because I understand, I know there are times when it's really not your fault, that you're forced to listen, that you're forced to do something about it. So maybe it is your right after all, to do something selfish, to hurt somebody, to leave it all behind, but I'm sorry, I really am. The consequences, are you sure you can take it? Are you sure you want to hurt these people? I can tell you for a fact that sometimes I want to hurt somebody, hurt them real bad. The emotion may be so intense and strong that I don't really care if I have to hurt myself just to spite that one single person. And I hesitate. Because I know I don't want to hurt that person. What I actually wanted was the satisfaction of having made it all equal. Of seeing the guilt make something deep within wrench, painfully hard. So I hesitate, thought the action of lashing out may have given me satisfaction, would have solved it all, I know I don't want that person hurt. Because of all things I can live with, guilt isn't one of them.

So I suppose, yes, you're just being a narcissist and denying them of their choices, but I guess it's always like that somehow. It's like it's all so unfair, but I don't know, I guess it's time to move on? Move on until you find a new place to settle your heart. You have to move on, even if there's a high chance you'd just land where you are right now, all over again, you have to move on.

Because nobody wants to be left behind...



The eyes of a girl who had seen too much stared up at all others with a confidence that defied everything everyone knew.




And I stood alone.



When you're left alone, with no one but yourself, in a rapidly collapsing room, and what you're sure were the pieces of a broken heart, you'll know you've lost everything you've ever been given the privilege of having.



Death...is it the only way people learn their lessons?




Hey, did you know...the wind whispers when you're alone?







OMG AK! I found the exact same thing!

"Sometimes the past is something you just can’t let go of. And sometimes the past is something we’ll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present."




Over and over, our heart breaks. There's nothing we can do.




I used to think that when I got older, the world would make so much more sense. But you know what? The older I get, the more confusing it is to me. The more complicated it is. Harder. You’d think we’d be getting better at it. But there’s just more and more chaos. The pieces - they’re everywhere. And nobody knows what to do about it. I find myself grasping, Nick. You know that feeling? That feeling when you just want the right thing to fall into the right place, not only because it’s right, but because it would mean that such a thing is still possible? I want to believe that.
-Nick and Norahs Infinite Playlist




WTF...?! Don't do this. It's the stupidest one can do.



There's a crack in my soul, you thought it was a smile.




I wonder if the reason I tend to say yes to everything is because I deeply believe that I can survive anything.














"her favorite song will say more about her, than her mouth ever will."

Songs we like and listen to tell others and more often than not, ourselves, who we are, how we are, and how it all turns out.

I'd rather break my ankle in fifty thousand pieces, than cause you any pain. It's ironic how we get hurt each time we try not to because we're too busy being saviours.

No one is afraid of heights, they are afraid of the fall, no one is afraid to play, they are afraid to lose, no one is afraid of the dark, they are afraid of what's in it, no one is afraid to say "I love you", they are afraid of the response.

(Whether or not you see this, it's really up to you to decide, not me.)

I do not hate you and have never hated you. I was angry at you and depressed by you and confused about you, but hate never came into it.






Letting go of everything I have. Why me? It never was anyone else but me. It's all the. Was, still is.

Letting go of people.
Whether or not I deserve it.
Letting go of things.
Whether or not it has anything to do with me
Letting go of what happened.
Whether or not it was me betrayed or hurt.
Letting go of what I want.
Whether or not I've tried my best.
Letting go of my dreams.
Whether or not it's my fault.

Why do I have to let go of everything? Is it yet another simple forgive-and-forget again? Why should I let go when it was never me in the wrong? Why don't I get an alternate option?

You know, I'm sorry I lied ak. Now that I think of it, I think subconsciously the 'Why Me' you saw had a reason behind it. It told a story. I'm sorry I hadn't exactly realized, but I guess my life influences everything about me; my personality, my views, my actions, everything about me. That includes all outlets I use to express myself. Writing, blogging, drawing. It's all the same. Nobody said it was different. Be it adjusting music volumes, getting it as loud as I can to block out all other things without getting deaf, or blogging for hours on end, or drawing Rufus again and again to form a series of emotions, or even writing down line after line of truths, then ripping the paper, relieved nobody ever has to deal with a different maggy from what they see. They're all the same, my own little ways of doing things, getting over things, showing things, hiding things, it's all the same. Nobody understands. Nobody realizes. It's so hard. So hard doing so many things. Putting up a front when something inside you is being torn apart.

Yeah, living a lifetime is hard enough isn't it? Why is it that so many want to be immortal? Is it just their pathetic ways of avoiding the fate that awaits all? Death? Is that it? Because sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, so much so that I wish Death could fast-forward and happen within that split second. There are times I wish it'd happen, but it never does? Why is it that so many things, Death being just one of them, prey on those that fear it? When people accept it, it moves on, switching to another target. It's all over. It never started. Yet it seems like everything's ending. Is it possible? For something that never started to end?

You know, I'm so upset right now, I think I'll cry soon. Sometimes I really can't tell if I'm crying. Are tears the only measurement? When you hold back, does it count as crying? When it hurts so much you wonder why you aren't crying, why you can't cry, does it count as crying?

I don't want to end with an apology, but I think...sometimes, words only get in the way. Maybe I'll end with a thank you?

Thank you for making it hard enough to breathe, hard enough to hurt, hard enough to know I'm truly alive, hard enough to know I hurt just like any other.



When I shut the world out, I see only that I want to.
When I shut the world out, everything falls on deaf ears.
When I shut the world out, you'll see that it was all fake.
When I shut the world out, you'll see just how screwed up I am.
When I shut the world out, you'll wonder if I ever let it in at all.

I'm sorry, for shutting it all out.
I'm sorry, for lying about everything.
I'm sorry, for pretending it was all real.
I'm sorry, for choosing the option which hurts the most.

But I won't apologize, because it just had to be me.
But I won't apologize, because it just had to hurt like hell.
But I won't apologize, because I never got the option I wanted.

And it'll never heal, for it's been carved and ingrained.
And it'll never heal, even as I'm caught in this cell of despair.

So it all ends, but I'm nothing but a small slip within this big, big world.




You know, everybody wishes to be more than just a puppet on lonely strings. Everybody wishes and wishes that the puppeteer would release them from their strings, from the hateful thing cutting into their wrists and ankles, binding them to the stage with the sole purpose of entertaining. We can't change who we are. Maybe to a certain extent we can change many characteristics we have, but we can't change this vessel we're trapped forever in. One day. when our wish comes true, we'd just crumple in on ourselves, a marionette with the strings cut away.
Still as useless as ever. I'm sorry, but what's up there has already forsaken Us.

;it never ends, does it?




My common sense wandered off to pick daisies with my sanity. I'm now reverting back to my usual kinda blog posts, and I'm trying to curb it TTATT. Yes, I'm trying to use pics and happy thoughts but I realized it's not easy.

Okay, this pic is actually damn creepy if you look up close and read the words.




Isn't it funny that we find what we want when it's too late for it to be useful?



From Awa's blog. No, not Mr Lau, heavens forbid.

if i were a month, i'd be June (Miracle month of Kanda and 69!)
if i were a day of the week, i'd be Friday (short day!)
if i were a time of the day, i'd be night
if i were a planet, i'd be something other than Earth
if i were a sea animal, i'd be a swimming pineapple fish 8D
if i were a direction, i'd be Down
if i were a piece of furniture, i'd be a double-decker bed (I guarantee the person on top bunk gets a taste of flying)
if i were a liquid, i'd be Green Tea (Kanda ftw!)
if i were a tree, i'd be a green leafy thing with bark.
if i were a flower, i'd be errr...I dunno? A flower Kanda likes...?
if i were a kind of weather, i'd be VIOLENTLY STORMY.
if i were a musical instrument, i'd be a piano (I'll bite of Allen Walker's fingers)
if i were a color, i'd be Cyan I omg toh's cyan shirt!!)
if i were an emotion, I'd be intangible (GASPS no talking!)
if i were a fruit, i'd be a PINEAPPLE.
if i were a sound, i'd be the sound of Kanda activating Innocence!
if i were an element, i'd be a criminal element.
if i were a car, i'd be a Porsche!
if i were a food, i'd be soba.
if i were a place, i'd be Kanda's room (omg wtf I WANT)
if i were a taste, i'd be sour.
if i were a scent, i'd be pineapple?
if i were an object, i'd be Mugen.
if i were a body part, i'd be Kanda's fingers (he's got pretty fingers omg) Mukuro's eye is valid too! Pretty eye!
if i were an expression, i'd be a simile (that's a step from smile)
if i were a song, i'd be Obsessed.




I saw ang's blog again. Just now. And I have to say: fugggg. I love the forgive and forget pic from Grey's Anatomy, partially spurred on bec I'm listening to How to Save a Life mv, from Grey's Anatomy. I reallyreally love it. It tells so damn much.

"Forgive and forget.

That’s what they say.
It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical.
When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back.
When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled; old wounds never heal.
And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.
-Grey's anatomy"

It's really very true. People keep telling you again and again to forgive and forget. Hurt or betrayed, nothing seems to matter. All they say is forgive and forget. It's not so easy. Really. Some things run so deep sometimes I truly wonder if I'll ever forgive or forget. It's not easy. It really isn't.

When you're hurt or betrayed, if it tears you up from inside. When you're hurt or betrayed by one you care a lot for, it causes this tiny part inside of you to die out. And when that weariness and bitterness clings, you have the urge, the inexplicable urge to hurt that person, even if you know you might regret it later, you still wish and wish you could hurt that person just as he or she did you; wish and wish that you could wrong that person as he or she did you; wish you could rip out a little of that person's heart just like he or she did you.

Forgiving is one thing. Forgetting is yet another. Just because both start with the same alphabet doesn't mean they're the same, neither do they mean that both come subsequently. Why do we have to let go? Why? Why do we have to be hurt, then be the one letting go? Why should we put up with it then make life easier for that person who didn't give a damn? Why do we have to ease that person's guilt when that person's clearly guilty and doesn't deserve any pity? Why?

Life is so unfair, with all that forgive and forget and being the end because nobody else wants to be, but life works that way, and all I can say is that I got that one inch of happiness to know that there's someone out there who thinks the same. Forgive and forget is just something adults force-feed us to end it all. It's not our fault; it never was. Yet we're the ones getting hurt and betrayed, We're the one on the receiving end yet we're not allowed to inflict the same on that person.



His words trailed off then, as he realized that he’d said too much and that something within him was in danger of breaking open again. His gaze lost itself in a random point of the garden, staring with unfocused eyes as if trying to see past the flowers and not let the tears that he felt burning behind his lids fall. The agonizing grip of a loss that would never stop hurting wrapped around his heart once more, as if threatening to tear it right out of his chest. His fingers curled miserably around it, as if he was afraid that relic from the past might slip from his finger and suddenly vanish if he doubled over from the pain his reminiscence brought him. He clung to it the same desperate way he had done for so many years ago, when he used to always keep his hand closed by fear it might suddenly fall and be lost.

I can’t take the risk to lose it.

Not when it’s the very last thing I have left. The only physical proof that she existed and that she cared for me enough to give me this.

He cast a downward glance at the note he clutched so tightly yet carefully in his hand. An ancient, tiny piece of paper. One that read:

I'm sorry I'm not immortal.

He retreated back to his bubble of memories and to the silent observation of the petals falling from the trees with the evening wind, to try and escape the moisture welling in his eyes and the unforgivable urge to openly sob regardless of who may be spying on him.

Any present would have distinctly felt the pain emanating from the King, a permanent presence, the loss that had shattered his fragile soul seeping from his bones even, like a poisonous cloud in the very air surrounding him.

The world he once experienced was like a delicate flower plucked from a garden and pressed in a herbarium: carefully dried and preserved but irreparably broken, never quite the same anymore.

Immortality is perhaps not the blessing we all think it is as we covet it and seek to lengthen our lives more and more. For this immortal King, it surely seems closer to a curse…



Not everything in the world ever works ideally, as it seems that fate has equal potential to be a gentle lover or a cruel tormentor.

But if there’s a common characteristic that even people of the farthest apart backgrounds seem to share, it’s that nothing ever seems to make initially as much sense as it all does once the person can turn back and look at it all in the past. What might have seemed like blind chaos will finally be clear then… albeit by that time it might be too late.

After something tragic happens, it is in the human nature to look back and reminisce all that has gone awry, occasionally to dwell bitterly in all things that could or should have been done differently to maybe have averted the disaster. But before the tragedy actually strikes, the victim seems to be often times tragically clueless.

Naturally so, for each and every one of those seemingly meaningful little events that slowly precipitate the course of one’s life into potential disaster are never quite as obvious or discernible at the exact moment they happen.



Okay, it's confession time. A lot of us. People involved hehe yeah, have been troubled about the groupings. 4 is a terribly unlucky number. I can say I positively hate that number now. So I actually drew lots at home. I swear to God I'm not biased. I know many of you think I don't believe in God, but it was an expression. I don't know any other way to swear so I'm sorry. Cross my heart and hope to die? Yeah. Point is, I actually wrote all of our names on EQUAL SIZED PAPER THAT WAS IN SQUARES. Yes. Then I put it in a box and shook it. Then I stirred it with my finger, and I picked out random 4 slips of paper. That was the RS people. Then the other 4 people are automatically in another group.

I swear I was fair and I didn't change a single name. I swear. So we get to choose RS option 1 or 2, then Bio option 1 or 2.

Then I put everything back and did the same process all over again. Meaning it's Bio this time and yes. The picked out 4 is in one group while the other 4 is auto in another group.

I repeated the above mentioned twice. So that we can vote during ICT or something which group we want.

The names I wrote on the paper was with a normal black pen which I got for free, and I wrote: Shi Hwee, Jal, Faith, AK, Ang, Mich, Hannah, Me. Exactly like that. first letter caps. I swear. I hope you people believe me and know this was a fair probability thing. So yeah, no changing or I'm gonna heck this whole grouping thing and let the teacher assign us. Or you sort out yourself. I took time off to do this not cos I was free but bec I was trying to help. So no flames and keep disagreements at a minimal please. Thank you.

RS Option 1:
Picked 4: Ang, Me, Shi Hui, Mich.
Auto 4: Jal, Faith, AK, Hannah (?)

Bio Option 1:
Picked 4: Faith, Ang, Hannah, AK.
Auto 4: Me, Mich, Shi Hui, Jal.

RS option 2:
Picked 4: AK, Mich, Hannah, Shi Hui.
Auto 4: Ang, Me, Jal, Faith.

Bio option 2:
Picked 4: Jal, Me, Hannah, Mich.
Auto 4: AK, Shi Hui, Faith, Ang.



LMAO. I actually found this quiz on Awa's blog and my results were totally whatthefugggg:

Allen Is Your Soulmate -- awmygawd. how sick are these people?

You truly love Sebastien. -- NONO! I don't love my butler and his bishie-ness mannnnn! Not at all!

You consider Lavi your true friend. -- No. Really. We're in different worlds.

You know that Hibari is always thinking of you. -- This is psychotic. Not to mention insanely frightening. I'm neither school discipline nor am I school song.

You'll remember Lenalee for the rest of your life. -- Ewww. That sounds downright gross.

You secretly think Gilbert is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times. -- Charming is no secret. Ask all who watches Pandora, DUDE! Gilbert = creative + dramatic?! LMAO.

You secretly think that Break is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker. -- Look at him. He is smart, NOT impulsive, not very colourful so to speak. And he doesn't take risks. He knows his things.

You secretly think that MUKURO is loyal and trustworthy to you. (this is a secret?! It's a bloody fact!) And that MUKURO changes lovers faster than underwear. -- Ahem. I doubt he showers. Like...seriously. Most of the time the him that we see is an illusion. Underwear-changing illusion?? And ya know, his a GUY. He wears briefs, boxers, whatever. Not...not underwear lawl. Contradictory much anybody? loyal and trustworthy than changing lovers? DOTS

You secretly think - is shy and non-confrontational. And that - has a hidden internet romance. -- Yeahyeah. I didn't know what to put for saltine cracker.




I was looking through my cbox again and I saw ak's comment on getting a picture with only Kanda and I saw this pic online. It's like...EPIC FAIL WTF! Btw, it's actually damn cool that he took this picture in the training area, like, seriously, look at the pillars, IT'S THE REAL THING. But point is, he doesn't even look like Kanda so he should stop his fail-ness. His turtle-neck sweater isn't navy-blue enough. It's too black and the collar thingy isn't long enough. Or maybe it's just his neck but I really don't care. What I DO care about is that this dude over here tried to look like Kanda of all people and FAILED. And his fingers aren't pale enough. Che. Kanda would do a *facepalm* if his humiliation after seeing this pic allowed him to put down his pride enough to actually do that. And this guy's tattoo so fakeeeee. Che. Kanda's tattoo is not so straight and PUH-LEASE, Kanda has freaking muscles not fats like this dude. Ever seen how SKINNY Kanda is? Kanda's 59 kg and 177 cm ehhhhhh! I bet this random dude over here is like, what? 69 kg and 161 cm and trying to be Kanda? FAIL.

Ohyeah, Kanda's ears are nicer too. I mean it. Plus Kanda's expression should be more of a scowl. [FANGIRL MODE: ON.] An attractive, slightly irritated nice scowl on his face enough to make his features stand out even more. MUAHAHAHAHA! Yeshhhh, Kanda should be like that and not this impostor here!

P.S and FUG mannnn, I bet he couldn't afford Kanda's katana so he used a Bleach or Naruto one. CHEAPSKATE LAWL. I mean, like since WHEN has Kanda held anything other than black and blue and oh yeah, his red hair tie? HUH? I bet the whatever that's hanging from his waist is also a FAKIE. Gehhh.




I found this pic online and it's...really good. It shows just how little things in life can mean so much and show it all, through a picture.

A picture is for life.
A picture tells it all.

It's rare enough to find a picture where your mind settles on and refuses to leave, and harder still to find one that depicts just how your life has been, a minuscule portion of this bigbig world yet so torn and tattered, in pieces, just waiting for it to mend itself and go back to the way it once was.

Haha, I've been listening to Hana Yori Dango's OST and I really feel like watching it again. I was listening to Eternal Love, with a bracketed "Blue Mind instrumental" after that title. yeah, I dunno, I somewhat miss the superb acting and that nice chemistry in all that acting. The song just...tugs at something within me. Oh, this sounds sappy but it's true. Somewhat. I went to ang's blog and saw this post "Children don't grow up. Our bodies get bigger, yet our hearts get torn up." I think it's very, very true(pretend I didn't just change but to yet.) Kids that we all are, we've been through so much, it's all frustrating and killing us, some sort of knife twisting deep inside, leaving us with scars that won't fade, no matter how hard we try to rub them away. I know, this isn't going to be an emo post. Just a bit of...I dunno, true, sincere, raw thoughts that formed in my mind which I just felt like sharing. (: Yes, I'm still obsessively listening to the same lyricless yet soothing and almost angsty song. Haha. All the heartbreaks when the song was played during the drama.

Seriously, Hana Yori Dango was good. It was a real drama, one that built up and had it's ups and downs. I know previously it's all the craze about Boys Over Flowers, and I can say I watched it under the persuasion of some classmates. It was...very condensed. I mean, it was...fine. It wasn't good. It wasn't a drama. It was all the bigger events in Hana Yori Dango shortened and packed together to make this...progress too fast, a little too easy love between the two main characters. (I never watched the one from Taiwan. Always thought F4 sucked. They couldn't sing, couldn't act, and didn't even look good. And the girl is just your typical girl who's short, supposedly cute, and all non-strong character. I guess she didn't play her part well enough.)

This is funny. I've been listening to the song for hours on end and I still love every bit of it. For those who really like great characterization and a really good drama with its little yet not-whiny angst and heartwarming little details, Hana Yori Dango continues to wait for you.

Matte kureyo.


Zutto.




I'm still doing that series of fat guy with scary eyes. I've already done three!




Okay, this posting madness will have to end soon since Aikido lessons are starting in...uh, twenty minutes and I'm supposed to be out in...12 minutes exactly. :)








Emo revived at full throttle! I really like this post btw.






One day, I'm going to revive these kind of drawings. I'll show the world how cute it can be!








I used to do this kind of drawings, but I think I got caught by a teacher and she was...pretty much horrified yeah. But I dunno, it's cute. In a...not-very-happy-way. But hey, who's to judge that? (My teacher, obviously.)







Okay, I'm putting up so many pictures but whatever. There are lots of pictures with captions and all that really puts our raw feelings into words, like many great songs do. I wouldn't say a picture paints a thousand words. That's pretty cliche. But I can say that when we come across pictures and songs with captions and lyrics that puts our raw feelings into words, there's some sort of relief that floods our senses. Like...there's somebody out there who knows. Some body out there who understands. great, now I sound...sappy.





This sign used to say: "Everything will be alright", but now it's just "nothing will be alright". The change is...so like how life is. Past a certain phase in our life, we start to see how everything tramples over the life we've always thought to be perfect. That time came pretty much too damn soon for me while others out there haven't met that time and may have lived their whole life never meeting that time. Haha, I guess I never did have the best of luck.




Live, it's the only chance you get to feel pain.



It won't be alright, but we can always pretend, can't we?


He had been perfect. Fraying mind or not, he had made himself the sacrifice and had been bearing it well, unraveling in the service of the new world he struggled to create. He was perfect. He was precious. He was the only to bear it all, carry everything upon himself. Precious and broken, torn up and spit out by that which he tried to save. It was never easy, saving the world and creating a new one. Maybe it had all been destined to be another Faust legend in the making, nothing more. Just a legend. A legend that never happened, a legend that nobody knew. A forgotten legend that wouldn't be passed down.

Strange how the saviour is sometimes the one who needs help most...



Are you okay?

Yeah sure. No. No, I'm not. You know, humans make mistakes. They make it time and again. Making mistakes seem to be what they're best at. And the best part's that they never change. Mistake after mistake, wrong after wrong, it never stops. Then when it finally seems to be ending, it continues, worse than ever. Then maybe one day whatever's left of those mistakes become nothing but a scar. Then the whole incident becomes a once upon a time. Just that the story's written, co-authored by me, right down till the very end, the Unhappily Ever After. You know, villains, mistakes, sleeping, waking up, dreaming, hoping, a poisoned apple. I think my life would make a perfect fairy tale.

There's no such thing as ever after. we will be remembered, but not forever. we're like. idk, a small blip through time. what we feel doesnt really affect anything. but then again, it affects you, and so its important. yeah, everyone makes mistakes (who DOESNT?!) and some of them, are life shattering and unforgivable. but most of them are forgivable, with some help from everyone, and like yeah, everyone dreams and hopes and they hope a prince will come for them (omg this sounds so corny) well sometimes you dont always get what you want, but you might like idk get something better. haha.

Me: yeah, that's why when something happens, the world spins, people breathe. nothing matters. And yeah, might. That's a subjective word. Who's to say it won't get worse.

True. Well you wont know in advance right. but think about it la. if you're already at the bottom. there's nowhere else to go but up. (of course, you can always stay down there)

But it doesn't end. It never ends. There isn't anywhere to go but further down, deeper into the dark abyss that's life. Gravity. It's all over the place; things happen, things get bad, things get worse. Just when you think it wont get any worse, the monsters prove you wrong and shatters the thing you treasure most, right in frnt of your very eyes. It does get worse. Then you realize the fairy tale of happily ever after is so easily re-written and overwritten, more and more authors come up. Happily ever afters are a classic. They're no more. There's supposed to be something that remains there, when there's something that's supposed to help you find your way back home, just like the breadcrumbs in hansel and gretel, the breadcrumbs are eaten. Gone. Vanished. It's all gone, and you'll look around and see that you've been on your own the whole time. You always thought it was safe, it wasn't an "I'm on my own", because you left a trail for you to turn back, to turn back and re-live it. You left yourself a Ctrl + z, but then when that's gone too, there's nothing left.

Okay i got stuff to say. hah wait ah. well you keep talking about rewinding, going back, reliving. hm. why dont you just go forward? dont look back, and go forward.

Life has no Ctrl + z. A lot of things need a Ctrl + x before you can repave your way forward

Also true. but why would you want to erase your past? your past is what made you, into who you are today. and if you move forward, what you are now is what matters.

There's so much I wish for to be erased. There's so much I wish never happened. There's so much I could do without. There's so much that's hindering me. There's so much that's preventing me from being a little better.

Well. it did happen, and you cant change the past. why would you? if you did, you wouldnt be where you were today. if you made a different choice in the past, you wouldnt be the exact same person right now. and yeah you might say oh if i made a different choice things would be so much better right now, but you wont know, would you? and perhaps one day you'll meet someone or do something that will make you think thank god i did what i did in the past bec it brought me here today, to where i am now.

I do know. alot of things I definitely wish never happened. bec I can tell you, [removed] led me to the way I am right now. and I could have been better off so much better off I could have been way happier. There are so many I could have beens so many, damn I have so many wishes so many uncountable- I wish for the past to change damnit. I wish for myself to be a little better, a little more capable of changing what happened, of preventing it .

im not gonna say i sympathize with you bec i hate it when people pity me when they dont know what's going on, im not gonna say i empathize (sp?) with you bec i DONT know what you're going through seeing as i've never gone through any of that stuff before. but yes, i've done stuff i've seriosuly regretted. and if you're blaming yourself (i dont know whether you are, actually, so this is just an if) for [removed] and how you ended up now its not your fault. because [removeremoveremove] are supposed to be [removeremove] you can trust your heart with and if [removeremove], its not your fault.

you just answered yourself what's the meaning behind "why me"

? haha sorry whatcha mean?

its not my fault. so why me. ah. why me? there is no answer to that question. everyone has stuff to plow through. some come in the form of finance, friends, lovers, wtv. some come when they're three, sixteen, forty, ninetysix. there might be varying amounts of stuff, varying occasions where it hits you in the face, but everyone has stuff. (wow im using a lot of stuff). and some have one big THING, that smacks them down, while others have like cumulative things that pile up like a fat snowball and plow them down.

I could be the latter. and more might be yet to come. who knows. so far, i'd say i dont really have a lot of stuff, bec well im lucky. but who knows, one day something bad might happen.
and if you're unlucky bec of all your stuff, well id say many people are superduper unlucky in this fuckedup world.

Makes me wonder where that god [H] believes in so faithfully is.

i have no faith in god. their logic for their faith in god is quite warped actually. if something good happens, they say oh its god's work. if something bad happens they say oh you need to put more faith in god. BIAS MUCH?

Haha. I said something almost exactly like that to [H] once and [H] said something like "yes, and now is the time to test your faith in god. He will shed light upon those who understands that He, weeps for us."

wtf. i think god is a fictional character (not unlike kanda) that people created to believe and worship bec they were too afraid to do something themselves. they needed some kind of holy figure to watch over them and make sure they're blessed bec they are fucking scared of what might happen if they're not. well christians, come and kill me now.

--

Okay, ak, the point of that was just to show you what I meant by the fact that we make mistakes. That humans make mistakes. That some people just don't effing change. And some things are beyond our control. It's not our fault but we still get hurt, we still fall. So yeah. That was what I was trying to emphasize in your cbox in reply to your post on 2nd Jan. ^^




Right. This blog will be as plain and normal as possible, I'm working on that. I'll even get a cbox! Okay, maybe not, since it's quite troublesome to get one. And I doubt I want a ton of random people saying lame things which I'll go o.O at. Haha, well, haven't blogged for a while, so I'm taking time to change and add to this blog.

Yeahyeah, anyway, I was thinking of apologies, then came the thought of: "Sometimes apologies don't change anything." I think I had this commenting thingy on one of my earlier posts about apologies. Then it was pretty interesting. Haha. You won't see the comments that appeared. Bec this blog is relatively new and yeah, my original blog is...well, not made public. So I shifted most posts over. And erased the comments in the process. It's new after all. But I shall share what happened since I doubt you'd like to dig through this blog to find that particular post.

"
The curtains drew as the all-too-familiar hustle took place before him
His heart slammed into the rock bottom.
CPR, defibrillator, oxygen mask, needles.

“I’m so sorry…” he whispered in a barely audible voice.

- - -

There are times when sorry isn’t enough, when apologizing doesn’t matter…


So you've seen the post. Ak commented:
sometimes to you sorry doesnt matter, but how would you know if it matters to the person apologizing? it may not change anything, but yet, that word of apology may just bring relief to another's life.

And I replied:

--Okay, just saw it.

It doesn't matter whether it brings the person apologizing relief. You thought I was the one apologizing? Ha. Mockery. What if I was a bystander? And the last line was from the person, in his last minute? CPR, defibrillator, oxygen mask, needles. It was supposed to signify the person's death. The very last hustle he'll ever see. Apologies aren't meant to bring relief to the one saying it. Some people deserve to live with the guilt. Maybe that's the only way for them to see, to see how grave the consequences were. And because of them too. Funny how the world works, isn't it? He doesn't need to be at fault, yet he's the one bearing the consequences. So what if the consequence was death?

Mm-hm. I'm a little bored. I've shared. I'm veryveryvery surprised about the number of hits. I only got the counter on...4th Jan. near midnight?! Haha. Thanks for visiting.




Because now I'm stuck in this gutter looking up at the stars. I know you're one of them, and I think I've found you. I just don't know how to get you to pull me up.
I just can't get you to pull me up because I see you holding the sign with "it might have been" written in bold.
I never wanted to hate you.




Wow. I've been to a few blogs and I see, my blog's...not...normal. Whoops. Okay, I'm trying to be a little more normal. So yes, I shall post in everyday English. That's...a large resolution. Right. And I shall put pictures too. I've realized the previous blog was a little...too dark. In the literal sense of course. Yes, it's a brand new year and I'm a bit bored. I had a short emo session and I posted. Surprise. Well, it's the start of a new year, a new start, a new life, a new everything. Alright, finefine, I rubbed in the new life and was hoping it'd come true. Yeah, a new life's not possible, but I guess there's nothing wrong with hoping? With wishing? So yeah, I shall be happy, I shall smile, I shall walk on. For it's not an option, there's never been one.



When you've stopped the heart possessed by one for you, just for you, what right do you have to wish for that heart to come back? What right do you have to wish for it to return, only to have yourself remove it when it gets in your way again?



When the world ends, the dance must go on, mustn't it? When the world ends, the controlled ballet continues, the world spins, the footsteps follow through. Admitting you're a sinner, swearing you're a believer. Nothing mattered. Not when the world ends. When the world ends, and you're left standing alone, a puppet without its strings, how will you move on? How will you live on? How do you continue breathing? How does your heart continue pumping? How do your legs keep you walking? How does the numbness seep through? How does it feel to be alone? When the world ends and you're nothing but a lone person walking the land, everything you've ever been able to do; to feel pain, to hurt, to cry, to wish, to hope, to breathe, to live, to die, you've lost all the privileges. Memento mori. Don't ever forget: You're nothing but a mortal.



Is it possible, is it possible to be a killer, yet keep all the promises you made? Is it possible? Is it possible to have lied yet not to that one person? Is it possible to have trusted, just not anybody, not anybody but that one person? Is it possible to have loved, just not anybody, not anybody but that one person? Is it possible to have felt, truly? Not the maniacal craze or the thrill; when killing, a blossoming warmth from a corner of a beating organ? Is it possible, is it possible to commit a crime as such? To breathe, to watch, to live while everybody else around you died? When the world ends, there's nobody but you.

-Trying to find my way home.



Yeah, strange that I actually got my blog to live. There's actually a YouTube gadget. Haha, I just wanted to try it out and wheee. Okay, the point of this post is to...guide you? That sounds...strange. Well, here's a list of songs I'm currently hung on:

Pain- Three Days Grace (I was never really truly into their songs)
The River- Good Charlotte (I never really got over their songs)



The only thing that resides inside of you now is a shadow of what you were before… locked in a struggle between sanity and madness.



Time ticks heavy burdens onto every weary soul, but just as the coming of a new year can be seen as another set of burdens, it is also a rebirth – the hour glass turning, and the first grain of the year dropping into an otherwise empty cavern.



Death isn’t as bad as everyone makes it out to be. It’s just an extension of living – a change of state in which one exists, a dream that never really ends.



Though appearing ever the bliss ridden fool, there was a somber quality to the response. Almost as though there was too much conflict behind his mask and such radiant though aching emotions were leaking out through the worn edges of his smiling perfection.